The Adventures Of Josh The Gyrosphere Operator
by Lord Kristine
Summary: In which I don't even.


_Ez az idézet nem jelent semmit, te hülye seggfej._

What are our lives, if not a single drop of forgotten rainwater sliding down a dying ginkgo leaf? Are the sands of our existence destined to remain in perpetual turmoil, spinning around without purpose in the waves of destiny? Will the black void of our impending doom eventually grow large enough to swallow us whole in our pitiful state?

These thoughts and more echoed through the head of Josh, the gyrosphere operator. For him, life was nothing but monotony. Monotony and pain.

Five thousand eight hundred and ninety-three. That was the average number of times he repeated the same sentence every day.

Enjoy the ride.

The words slipped from his tongue like dead fish from a paper bag, devoid of meaning and lacking any human emotion. Josh did not feel human. To feel human was to care about the world. Josh did not care. He had been capable of caring, once. But his minimum wage employment had removed any sense of empathy from his poor, teenage mind. The people who lined up for the gyrospheres were not human beings either. They were cattle. Cattle awaiting slaughter. But they didn't know it. How could a person guess how little they meant in the grand scheme? In a society based around the individual, who among us would ever accept the sad truth of the matter: that people are not humans to the corporate hive-mind. They are only numbers.

Five thousand eight hundred and ninety-three people have boarded the gyrospheres today.

Five thousand eight hundred and ninety-three cows have been slaughtered today.

Attendance has been steady.

We have enough meat to satisfy our seller's demands.

No difference. No difference whatsoever.

Josh stared forward with the dead eyes of a soulless creature: a kind of animal that would shrink into a dark abyss and hiss at the first sign of light. He did not remember what it was like to love. He did not remember the people he might have loved. But he could hear them. He remembered their words . . .

 _This will be a good learning experience for you, Josheroo. You'll make lots of money, so start saving up for that car, honeycakes._

If matricide was legal, Josh would have disposed of his mother long ago. This had been _her_ idea. She was the reason he was broken.

The world was pain, and the pain only grew with each passing day. Josh longed for the moment when it would end. When _everything_ would end. The sun would expand, destroying all life on Earth and engulfing the planet in a cleansing fire that would obliterate all traces of humanity. There would be no remnants of anything created by mankind. Only ash. Ash and dust. The dust from which they came. Purity. If only that heavenly fire could come early, destroying everything in its path like a-

 _Brrring brrring!_

Oh. The phone was ringing.

Josh lifted the device to his ear. After a moment, his face fell.

"Seriously? . . ."

Well, fuck. He hadn't been expecting _this_.

And that's when things turned sour.

There is nothing worse than an unsatisfied customer. Anyone who has ever worked in a job that involves interacting with people (which most of us have) will know that when a customer feels entitled to something, they damn well expect to get it. This is why Josh faced a minor rebellion when he informed potential riders that the gyrospheres were closed. After waiting in line for more than an hour, people tended to get . . . testy. Perhaps it was a reasonable response, but the main problem was that Josh was not in a position to deal with this kind of criticism. It would be like blaming a Nazi pilot for starting World War II. Josh was only taking orders. If his supervisor had been around, perhaps he could have pinned it on him. Unfortunately, fate had not been kind on this day.

Josh struggled to appease the furious crowd, but they would have none of it. There was no way to dissipate the tension. The queue was about to become a violent mob. What was he to do? Perhaps . . . No, that was too dangerous. Josh recalled the words of his father: _You're special, Joshie Pie. You've been blessed with a gift that most people could only dream of. Use your powers for good, not evil._

What beautiful words.

But screw it. He never really liked his job, anyway.

With a mighty roar, Josh tore off his clothes and morphed into a hybrid dinosaur: a Dilophosaurus Rex. There was a moment of silence. After that, the air was filled with screams of terror as the crowd erupted into chaos. Josh charged forward, spewing venom like it was hyperacidic vomit. As the tiny humans scurried around his feet like ants, Josh waved his clawed fingers around menacingly.

"ARGLEFLARGLEBLARGLE!"

Leaving the scattering humans behind, he charged into the gyrosphere valley, hoping to destroy everything in sight to lessen his anger. Unfortunately, there are not many things to destroy in an open field (hence the violent nature of most Saskatchewanians). Josh was therefore forced to chew on the ground, a task which was almost impossible to do without looking like an idiot. As he ruminated on venom and grass, Josh heard someone calling out to him.

"Hey! Frill guy! Over here!"

He turned and saw an apatosaurus running towards him. He spat and wiped his mouth.

"What do you want, random talking dinosaur?" he asked.

"I'm not a dinosaur!" she snapped, "I'm a human being. In fact, I used to work here. The scientists have been getting rid of useless employees by making them dinosaurs. Frankly, I'm insulted they didn't kidnap _you_ first."

Josh blinked.

"Wait . . . What?"

"We need to get help," she continued, ignoring his confusion, "Since you're a hybrid, you won't lose your memories, but when you only have one species of dinosaur grown off of you, you start to forget who you are. I don't want that to happen to me."

Josh blinked again.

"WHAT?"

"You're a hybrid, are you not?" the apatosaurus asked impatiently.

Josh's nostrils twitched.

"Well, yes, but I was born with this power, not experimented on like a guinea pig."

The apatosaurus hummed.

"Oh. I thought you might be one of the hybrids that Wu is sending to Spurrcorp. The founder of the organization is secretly a yellow dragon. Of course, Wu is running a risky business, because he promised the blue tiger that he would do _his_ bidding alone. He's making sure that the film goes off without a hitch. The tiger, I mean, not Wu."

Josh took a deep breath and rubbed his temples.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but are you high or something?"

The apatosaurus frowned.

"You're a hybrid dinosaur. You seriously have no reason to be questioning this."

Josh sighed in exasperation.

"Alright, what do I need to do?"

"Find Claire. She'll be able to help. She doesn't remember anything about the blue tiger, but if you really try, you might be able to spark her memory. If you succeed, tell her to feed my cat, and also to come rescue me. But my cat takes precedence over me, because poor Tangerine hasn't eaten for days now."

Josh scratched his neck.

"Okay, I'll try. I don't think Claire will listen to me, though. She's kind of a bitch."

The apatosaurus laughed.

"Naw, she's just grumpy because she has the potential to change into a stegoceratops at any given moment and lose her reputation. That, and Owen keeps pestering her."

Josh rubbed his chin.

"This is the first time I'm hearing about any of this. Except the Owen thing."

"I'd be surprised if you _hadn't_ heard about the Owen thing, because Barry is a terrible gossip."

"Who's Barry?"

"Oh, you know, he's the bl- bald one."

The apatosaurus pursed her lips awkwardly. Josh narrowed his eyes.

"Okay . . . Maybe I should find Claire now."

"Yes, please do. I don't want to lose my memory."

Josh jogged away uncomfortably.

"DON'T FORGET TO FEED MY CAT!" the apatosaurus called out as he left.

***MC***

Later that day, Josh returned to the field where he had had his encounter with the former staff member. He had been unsuccessful in his mission to find Claire Dearing, mostly because whenever he stepped into view, people would start screaming. Oh, he wasn't a dinosaur anymore, but having ripped off his clothing when he changed, he was naked for a very long time. He had found a piece of cloth to conceal himself since then, but that didn't change the fact that he had not completed his quest. Unfortunately, this meant that he would have to report his failure to the apatosaurus.

"Hello? Weird dino-lady? Are you there?"

As Josh made his way over the crest of a large hill, he noticed a flock of birds circling through the air. The reason for this became apparent right away. The field was full of apatosaurus corpses. Among them was the dinosaur whom he had spoken with. Josh stared out at the valley in horror, then turned around with a light shrug.

"Hm. I guess that's the end of that."

"Oh, no. It's only just the beginning."

A hooded figure stepped out from behind a tree. Josh stared at him in puzzlement. The man raised his hand, pointing at him sinisterly.

"You are not what you seem."

Josh stepped backwards nervously.

"What do you mean?"

The man lifted both of his arms in a grandiose gesture.

"You are a fabricated creature. You were designed to destroy this poor, pathetic planet."

Josh shook his head.

"What? No, that's impossible! My parents-"

"Think, boy! Why do you only ever hear their voices in your memory? We implanted their essence into your mind. They do not exist."

Josh grabbed his head.

"No . . . No . . . That makes no sense!"

"Search your feelings. You know it to be true."

"It _still_ doesn't make any se-e-ense!" Josh whined as he collapsed to the ground, utterly confused and frightened.

"It makes _perfect_ sense!" the hooded figure barked, "You were designed to be a killer. Why else would we create a dinosaur that spews venom? You think that kind of a dinosaur is safe to have around? No! Of course not! It's ridiculous!"

Josh whimpered.

"But I thought I had a family!"

" _Family_?!" the man bellowed, "What use do we have for families when we have hybrid dinosaurs? If science can make monsters, science can do anything . . . _A-NY-THING_! MUHAHAHAHA!"

Josh started choking in distress.

"You . . . Who _are_ you?"

The man laughed.

"I am none other than . . ."

He pulled down his hood.

"JIMMY FALLON!"

Josh gasped.

"No! That's impossible! . . . Wait . . . Why would you want to destroy Earth?"

"Because I can!" he declared, "There is nothing Jimmy Fallon can't do . . . Well, except flare my nostrils. Only thirty percent of the population is capable of doing that."

Josh gulped.

"What do you want from me?"

Jimmy Fallon pulled out a spiked mace and started stalking forward menacingly.

"Join me, Josh the Gyrosphere Operator, or you will face the wrath of-"

Josh jumped back as a giant anvil landed on Jimmy Fallon, reducing his body to a messy, red splatter. A winged lady descended from the sky and landed right in front of him.

"Sorry about that. I'm supposed to be keeping things normal until the end of the movie. I know this has probably been a huge inconvenience, so do you want to work for me? I can only offer you a job rolling maps-"

"Do I have to talk to people?"

"No."

"I'll take it."

And that's how Josh the Gyrosphere Operator became Josh the Map-Roller.

 **The End**


End file.
